I did it. I had the conversation I’d been dreading. I told THE STALLION my dirty little secret. And it was hard. But here I am spouting out about being honest and everyone having a past and blah blah blah. So it was only fair I share with him something from my past that is incredibly difficult for me to talk about. And though I wasn’t technically lying - more like withholding information – I knew if I wanted this relationship to work out, I needed to tell him. I knew that after telling him, there’d be a 50/50 chance that he’d either stay with me or walk away. As of press time, I’m happy to say he’s decided to stay. And I couldn’t be more thrilled.
It was late last night and we were talking about our feelings for each other and our relationship and all of a sudden, I had this wave rush over me and I knew this was it. This was my moment; it was do or die. I asked him if he’d still feel the same about me if he found out something shocking about me. I started giving him examples of situations and then I blurted it out – my dirty little secret that I’d been hiding. The thing I’ve been keeping to myself, the thing that makes me angry and ashamed. I wish I could erase the image of the look on his face but it’s burned in my memory forever; the look of shock and confusion. It was then that I knew things would never be the same. And though I knew it was nearly impossible, I didn’t want his feelings for me to change. Here I am falling in love with this fantastic guy and I have to go and fuck it all up.
I chain smoked and tried to get him to talk, so I could gauge his feelings but it was no use. He went numb. He was processing it all. He was silent. I decided to leave and got into my car but before I could turn the ignition on, I held my head in my hands and broke down. I stayed in his driveway for a good ten minutes waiting for him to come outside and tell me not to go and tell me things will be ok but despite my wishing and hoping, that never happened. I called him but again, got nowhere. A little while later he texted me not to worry and to get home safe and to text him when I got home. But all I could think of the hour drive home was how were things ever gonna be the same? And how angry I was at myself for being in this position. I texted him when I got home but got no response. Perfect. How was I gonna get to sleep now?
This morning he texted and we chatted a bit. I asked him if I still had a boyfriend and he said he’s pretty sure but he was still in shock. I explained things a little more and told him how happy I was that he was talking to me and how there’s not much to worry about, it is what it is. I’ve learned from it and I’m moving on and doing the best I can and how I’ve never lied to him and been honest form the start. He seemed to loosen up after that. I don’t know if I’m lucky or fortunate, but either way, I’m so grateful that I have this guy in my life and it makes me happy to call him my boyfriend.
Maybe there are no happy endings, no happily ever after? But I’d sure settle for a happy ‘right now’.